Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all

After you experience a significant loss, people will always tell you that time heals everything.  Anyone who truly knows me, knows that I don't sugar coat things, so here's the ugly truth - some wounds might heal, but will still scar.

Nearly five years ago, I lost my mom to a battle with ovarian cancer.  It was very quick.  I remember getting a call from my mom on June 20, 2006 telling me that her doctor had found a mass and they were going to run more tests.  On July 21, she was gone.

In my short time on this earth, I have experienced a lot of loss.  I have lost dogs, grandparents, classmates.  But nothing can prepare you for the sudden loss of someone so close to you.  Particularly since most of my friends were just turning 21 and going to bars and clubbing - living carefree - and I was helping to make funeral arrangements.

The purpose of this post is not to depress or upset those reading it.  I have a friend - who I used to be quite close to, but unfortunately life has sent us down different paths and separated us a bit.  This friend recently lost her father, not long after having her first child.  I can't even begin to imagine the range of emotions that she has dealt with in the few months.  I have reflected over the last few weeks with hopes of giving her some insight, wishing I could shed some wisdom on her.

The funny thing is, death is such an incredibly personal thing.  Everyone deals with it differently, though I have noticed everyone does seem to go through the stages of grief of which you hear.  It's hard to give advice to someone about something so deep.

I enjoy talking about my mom - remembering the movies we used to watch, how we used to fight about curfew when I was high school, what she might doing right now if she was still here.  I cry every time I hear "The Best Day" by Taylor Swift and put my mom and me in the song - but that's okay.  I think it is so important to remember and honor her memory, even if it's not always easy.

Out of all bad, must come good, and in this case, the good is education.  Before my mom got sick, I had heard of ovarian cancer, but didn't know much about it.  After her death, I took comfort in learning everything about it I could.  I researched on the internet, read books, and talked to doctors.  I make sure to tell the women I know that ovarian cancer does not have glaring symptoms.  They can be easily overlooked or brushed off, which is why it is so deadly.  Through my studies, I learned that ovarian cancer and breast cancer can be directly linked, and a mutated gene can cause them.  Since my mom's mom had breast cancer, it is possible my sister and I could be carriers of this gene.  I have looked into genetic testing, but have not quite reached the point in my life where I am ready to carry through with that.

This year we had a birthday party for my mom - something I am hoping will become a tradition.  We released teal balloons (teal is the ovarian cancer color) with handwritten notes those who knew her attached to the balloons.  It was wonderful.  I would like to get to the point where we can volunteer as a family at the M.D. Anderson Cancer Center, or do charitable events like The Race for the Cure.  Though we have memories, I think it would be so much better if good for others can come out of our loss and we can help others through trying times.

The advice I can give to my friend - and to anyone else - is to take your time.  Grieve the way you want. Talk about your loved one and remember them.  Take time to be angry and to wonder "why".  But most importantly, move on with your life, and live in a way that you know would make your angel proud.  Living your life does not mean you are forgetting, it means you are living the dreams of those who have left you behind only to watch over you from heaven.  Remember that there will never be a day you don't think of who you have lost - and that's okay.  It's okay if you need help, or need to talk to someone.  Reach out to those around you, whether they be friends, a spouse, family, or a counselor.  Be grateful, everyday, for the blessings in your life.  Love is all around you.  Perhaps it is the laughter of your child, a hug from your husband, or a text message from your stepchildren.  Notice the good and important, and try not to dwell on the insignificant.  Cry, if you need to.  Try to laugh more.  There is no set date for "getting over it" and you will grieve in some way or another for the rest of your life, but that does not mean life is over for you.

Time does not necessarily heal all wounds, but you will get stronger...that, I can promise.

Easy Pasta Salad

This pasta salad is a family favorite around my house.  It's super quick and easy, and can be prepared ahead of time.  The few ingredients are stuff I usually have in my kitchen, too.  You can prepare it ahead of time for barbeques or pool parties, or make it for a fast dinner.

You will need:

Uncooked rotini pasta noodles (I prefer the tri-colored ones, mostly because they are prettier.  I buy them in bulk for quick meal fixes.) 

Olive oil

Cubed colby jack cheese

Pepperoni and/or salami

Italian dressing

You can also add olives or other vegetables, but I have picky eaters, so I don't.

Cook and drain noodles.  Drizzle with a little olive oil, toss noodles, and set aside to cool.  Slice the cheese cubes in half or quarters, depending on your preference.  Slice pepperoni and salami into quarters.  Mix cheese and meat into the pasta.  Be careful not to do this until the pasta is cooled, or your cheese will melt.  Drizzle with Italian dressing to taste, and mix thoroughly.  Enjoy!

Lemons

My husband and I purchased our house nearly two years ago.  The "pro" side of our list of reasons why we picked this house was full of the usual things like location, number of bedrooms, kitchen size, and so on.  At the bottom of the list I remember noting that I liked that there were citrus trees in the backyard.  The first fall we lived here I was able to harvest probably at least 20 lemons off of two trees, and set off making homemade lemonade.  This past fall I was discouraged when I couldn't find one single lemon.  I was at a loss for how my trees had been so fruitful one year, and barren the next.

One of the trees has become mutated and a bit dwarfed as it struggles for sunlight.  It is shaped as though it got blown sideways during a hurricane and was never properly braced upright again.  This past weekend as I was working in the backyard, I noticed something really quite special.  Beneath the twisted and deformed branches, I spotted three nearly ripe, perfectly shaped, bright yellow lemons.  I was so ecstatic that I rushed to our other tree to see what fruit it had to bear.  To my surprise, the other tree, was covered in tiny white blossoms with a speck of pink, brilliantly flickering in the wind, waiting for it's turn to produce fruit.  Two trees in one yard - one at the end of it's production cycle and one just beginning.

The popular saying goes "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade."  That little saying reminds us to find the beauty in life - the silver lining, if you will.  My life has not been filled with lemonade by any means, but it is still a great life.  Sometimes it's the little things in life, like lemon trees, that I need to remind me of the wonders of life.  So when life gives you lemons, make lemonade...or paint a wall a bright, cheery yellow.  That's what I did.

Before (notice ugly blue/gray in the stairway)

After

New Year, New You?

We are officially well into 2011, but looking at the transition into this new year got me thinking.  Why do we have to wait for a new year to start our lives anew?  Sure, New Year's Eve is a great reason to get together with family and friends and shake it, but why do people insist on throwing out the old year and all that it brought and trying to jumpstart something new?

We've all made new year's resolutions...most of which never seem to amount to anything.  Thinking about the possibility of creating a new resolution this year made me really contemplate the point of such resolutions.  I have shocking news for everybody, January 1st doesn't change our lives, all it does is make us write a new two digit year when filling out paperwork - or signing checks, but I haven't done the latter for years.  If you want to make a change in your life, do it for you, not for January 1st.

Too many of my friends and family made comments this December 31st about how awful 2010 was and how 2011 couldn't arrive faster.  These types of comments are really quite sad.  Why is it that people can't realize that another year in these earthly bodies we call home should be a blessing, rather than something to throw out and forget like trash.  I'm not saying everything in 2010 was so miraculous for me that light shone down from the heavens and angels sang, however, there are always great things in life - the silver lining if you will.

I wish more people could live in the now a little more, not dwell on the past as much, learn from mistakes, work on bettering themselves year 'round, and realize that January 1st was just another Saturday, not some magical life-changing day because it ended with -11 rather than -10.